Day 1 Chapter 1 "Peace From God"
but first the
Restored Marriage Testimony
of Dan & Erin.
Dan would like to share the testimony of the restoration of our marriage since the Bible says in Revelation 12:10-11, “Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, who accuses them before our God day and night. And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even to death.”
Our marriage was dead but by His shed blood it was made alive. It is our hope and prayer that our testimony will help you or someone you know to overcome the evil one. We give God all the glory for what He has done in our lives.
In January of 1989, I left Erin for another woman. However, the Lord gave Erin the heart and endurance to stand for our marriage. It was during this fiery trial that Erin became a new woman. She studied the Bible concerning marriage and began to apply the principles in her life. Like the three youths who were thrown into the fiery furnace, Erin too became “loosed” of things in her life that had her “bound.” She also found herself walking with another, her precious Lord. (See Daniel 3:25.)
Everyone, even the most respected pastors in our city, told Erin that it was hopeless to fight against my desire to leave her and be with another woman. But Erin found in God’s Word that “nothing is impossible with God”! (Luke 1:37) It was during this time that she founded Restore Ministries to help those who also wanted their marriages restored. She began by sharing with each of them the Scriptures the Lord had shown her. Soon there were too many women to help individually, so she began to type out the Bible references. Some of the women who came had never held a Bible in their hands, so Erin began to type out entire verses and then make copies to minister to these hurting and abandoned women.
However, the more she helped other women, the worse her situation became. Her fiery furnace was turned up when I divorced Erin in October of 1990. However, the Lord gave Erin the peace she needed to not fight or contest the divorce, but to trust in her Lord. Undaunted, Erin continued to minister to other women by sharing the Word of God. She told the Lord that if He would restore her marriage to the man she loved, me, she would devote her life to helping women in marriage crises. That’s when Erin put together a workbook for women, A Wise Woman Builds Her House: By A FOOL Who Tore Hers Down with Her Own Hands.
Our marriage was miraculously restored due, in part, to Erin’s obedience to not obtain an attorney. God delivered me when it was discovered that even though the judge had granted the divorce on October 30, the papers that had been filed by my attorney had to be overturned due to an error in the paperwork! This, to me, was the first sign from God that He would “somehow” deliver me from the cords that had me bound to the adulteress. Had Erin had an attorney, the divorce would not have been overturned.
Erin, who had “hoped against all hope” (Rom. 4:18), received her miracle on January 29, 1991 at 11:10 p.m. when I returned home to Erin and our four children. This was after adultery, and after a divorce, over two years after I left her.
The Birth of Restore Ministries International
Over the next five years, the Lord blessed us with three more babies as Erin continued to minister to other women. In 1996 the first version of How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage, which was taken out of the workbook, was published. Thousands of requests for the book started coming in to Restore Ministries and the publishers from all over the U.S. and from abroad.
Many books were sent to prisons all over the U.S. Men were being blessed with restored marriages after reading the restoration book for women! That’s when Erin was led to write a version for men. Later she wrote (with very little of my help) a manual for men, A Wise Man Builds upon a Rock: By A FOOL Who Built on Sinking Sand to accompany the men’s restoration book.
Today, through Restore Ministries International: Encouraging Women, Encouraging Men, Encouraging Bookstore and NarrowRoad Publishing House we now minister to men and women primarily over the Internet and through books, online courses and videos.
I have seen in my life, and in so many we have helped, that God is more than able to heal and save any marriage!
I encourage you to read, reread and read over again these testimonies to build your faith and to BELIEVE the Lord’s promises about restoring your marriage!
Mark those “seemingly” impossible situations that are similar to yours; and please, don’t focus on how your situation is different. Of course it is! God is looking, actually “roaming to and fro throughout the WHOLE earth, looking for those whose hearts are completely His. To STRONGLY support you” to give you a testimony that is different, unique and “seemingly” impossible if it weren’t for GOD!
This FAITH BUILDING book has first person and third person testimonies. Before we had a place to send in Praise Reports, we received our “testimonies” through many different sources. All of us love to hear it right from the person’s own lips, so now we have first person testimonies. Whether in first or third person, all these testimonies give “glory to God”!
Peace From God
“...to all who are beloved of God...
Grace to you and peace from God
our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ”
Dear Beloved Brother in Christ,
It is not by chance that you are holding this book in your hands; it is by Divine Providence. God has heard your cry for help and He has come to rescue you. The pages that follow will guide you when others tell you that your situation is completely hopeless.
What He is asking you to do will not be easy but if you want a miracle in your life, it can happen. If you want a testimony of the faithfulness of God to share with others, it will happen. If you really want God to restore a marriage that is hopeless, then read on. God will restore your marriage as He did mine.
The Bible says “the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” 2Chr. 16:9. He has been looking for you, to help you. Are you ready?
You will need zealous obedience. You must enter “by the narrow gate; and the way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who find it. For the gate is wide, and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter by it.” Matt. 7:14. It is your choice whether to follow His narrow way now or turn back.
This is the time to choose. “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him; for this is your life and the length of your days.” Deut. 30:19-20.
If you are still reading and have not thrown this book away, then you have chosen to go on. We rejoice with you as we think of the glorious resurrection of your marriage and family that awaits you. We pray blessings upon each and every one of you. We glory that some day we will meet either on this side or the other side of “heaven” where there are no more tears or pain.
Dear brother in Christ Jesus, God will restore your marriage: you have His Word on it. “And Jesus answered and said to them, ‘Truly I say to you, if you have faith, and do not doubt, you shall not only do what was done…but even if you say to this mountain, “Be taken up and cast into the sea,” it shall happen.’” Matt. 21:21.
Since you are reading this book, we assume that you are in a crisis in your life because of your marriage. Has your wife left you? Have you left or asked your wife to leave? Perhaps you have gotten this book before either of you has taken this drastic step of leaving. Even if divorce has been spoken of during an argument, or divorce papers have been filed, or a divorce has gone through, you must believe that “All things (can) work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Rom. 8:28.
As you go through personal trials in your troubled marriage, if you really want things to work out for good, you must first love God and really want His purpose for your life.
Right now His purpose is for you to draw closer to Him, to let Him transform you more closely into His image. And take courage, for God has said, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” Hebr. 13:5. God has not left your side: “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.” Psalm 23:4.
I’m sure that the “valley of the shadow of death” describes how you feel about your situation, but God has allowed this for your good.
Only afterwards will you shine forth as gold. “In this you greatly rejoice, even though for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold (which is perishable) even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise, glory and honor.” 1Pet. 1:7.
The most important thing for you to do right now is “be still and know that I am God.” Ps. 46:10. (This is covered in more depth in the men’s Take Courage series.) Then follow God’s way. Make sure that everything that you do or say follows the Scriptures; be sure that it follows the Bible consistently.
God has no desire for your marriage to be over. Remember that Jesus Himself said, “a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. Consequently, they are no longer two but one flesh. What God has joined together let no man separate.” Matt. 19:5. Also, “ ‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel. ‘So take heed to your spirit.’” Mal. 2:16.
Satan is the one who wants your marriage destroyed, not the Lord, not God. Remember that “The thief (the devil) comes to steal, to kill and destroy; I came that (you) might have life, and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10. Don’t believe the devil’s lies but “take every thought captive.” 2Cor. 10:5.
Don’t allow him to steal your wife. Don’t allow him to destroy your family, your life, and your children and steal your future. Believe me and believe others who can tell you from experience that divorce will destroy children and steal your children’s future as well as your own.
Follow God’s way instead to find true peace in the midst of your crisis. “ ‘For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,’ says the LORD who has compassion on you.” Isa. 54:10.
Pore over the Bible, letting Him “wash you with the water of the Word.” Eph. 5:26. Pray and believe what Scripture says, not what you see: “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebr. 11:1. “And without faith it is impossible to please (God).” Hebr. 11:6.
No one but God knows exactly what you are going through or the answers you need right now. If you pray (simply talk to God) and listen to Him (read His Word, the Bible), He can lead you to the victory that He has for you. Don’t choose to follow what others may say, those of the world, friends in the church, pastors, or any counselor who tells you something he has heard or read. If you are praying and reading God’s Word, God will speak to you first, in your heart or during your Bible reading; then someone will confirm the direction in which He is guiding you, which will be consistent with His Word!
Too many people, Christian or not, tell you things that sound good and feel good in the flesh. But if it doesn’t follow Scripture, it is wrong! You will be on sinking sand. “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked.” Ps. 1:1. When it is of God, it usually sounds crazy (like believing for your marriage when others say “get out”!) and it always needs the help of the Holy Spirit to carry it out.
Don’t act impulsively or be quick to move. God usually says, “Wait!” Many times during the wait, He changes the situation. God said that He is the “Wonderful and Mighty Counselor.” Isa. 9:6. Don’t you want the best? Wouldn’t you want a counselor who knows the future? One who can actually turn the heart of your wife? There is only One who can show you the right direction. Trust Him and Him alone! There are actually MORE broken marriages in the church than there are in the world, so don’t follow any Christian, Christian counselor, or pastor who gives the world’s advice instead of God’s.
Sadly, Christian marriage counselors destroy too many Christian marriages. They get you and your wife to talk about the past and to say things that should never be said. Cruel statements are lies of the devil or fleshly feelings. Then after the counselor listens to what he/she has prompted you to say, he/she will tell you that your situation is hopeless!
If someone (including your spouse) has told you that your situation is hopeless, then start to praise the Lord. Hopeless situations are exactly where the Lord chooses to show His power! “With men this is impossible but with God ALL things are possible!” Matt. 19:26.
Work with God. And don’t believe that without your wife’s help or cooperation your marriage can’t be saved or improved. Our ministry was founded by and for those who are the only partner seeking marriage restoration! All that is needed is your heart and the Lord’s strength. “For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth that He may support those whose heart is completely His.” 2Chr. 16:9.
Take the privilege of being “counseled” by the Best Counselor. The truth is that no two situations are exactly alike; nevertheless, His Word applies to all. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2Cor. 1:3-4.
Search His Word, after you have prayed. “Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you shall find.” Matt. 7:7. “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” Jas. 1:5.
You must have faith! And where do you get faith? From God! Ask Him for faith since “All good things come from above.” Jas. 1:17.
God’s Word, His Principles
Beloved, whether you know the Bible well or you have never even read it before, the Bible ALONE must be your guide to restore your marriage. The book that you are reading consists of all the verses that the Lord used to guide others, who now have restored marriages, through the fires of trial to restoration.
The Lord will begin to show you, through the Scriptures in this book, how you may have violated principles of marriage, and He will also show you other sins that you are unaware of or have never dealt with (by repenting of them). All of these sins and violations have led to the destruction of your marriage.
It is the same with ALL who find their marriages in shambles or completely destroyed. You will soon find, if you are not aware of it yet, that it is NOT just your wife who violated God’s principles by leaving you, being unfaithful or filing for divorce. You will find, as did others who now have restored marriages, that you have done much to contribute to the destruction of your marriage. This understanding will be the turning point as you accept and look at your sins, not your wife’s.
The wisdom that you will learn from reading and rereading the verses of Scripture that the Lord has for you in this book will help you to understand what the Bible really is and what you need it to be in your life – your guide.
The Bible is filled with the spiritual laws of His creation. When God created the world, He not only made it with physical laws, like the law of gravity, but He also created it with spiritual laws. Just as violating the physical law of gravity will result in you stumbling or an object falling, so will violating the principles in Scripture regarding marriage result in your marriage falling.
Another amazing discovery is that the ways of the world are almost always opposite the ways of God and His Word. The way you have been dealing with your wife’s leaving you, her unfaithfulness or the divorce papers she served you, more than likely is the same way that anyone in the world would have dealt with them. What you will find in this book is that this is the exact OPPOSITE of the way that God intended trials to be dealt with in order to bring victory. “This is the victory that has overcome the world — our faith.” 1 John 5:4.
When you choose to follow God’s way, which is the opposite of the way everyone else is doing it or telling you to do it, then you will start to see your marriage turn around. The ways of the world ALWAYS result in destruction, but the ways of God ALWAYS bring about healing and restoration. “For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit shall from the Spirit reap eternal life.” Gal. 6:8.
We have put together a quick reference in this chapter to help you to IMMEDIATELY get your marriage out of crisis. These principles, if followed to the letter with a sincere and humble heart, will result in an immediate or future restoration of your marriage. God’s Word GUARANTEES it!!
The more a man follows these principles, the more restoration he will see as a direct result of his obedience. Those who stay in crisis, or who never see their marriages restored, are those who refuse to believe and obey the spiritual laws of God or erroneously believe that they are above the laws of God.
If you are one of those who believe strongly that you are not “under the law” and are therefore free to violate God’s laws, “may it never be!”
“What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? May it never be!” Rom. 6:15.
“Do we then nullify the Law through faith? May it never be! On the contrary, we establish the Law.” Rom. 3:31.
“May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?” Rom. 6:2.
Those who understood the law of gravity learned to rise above it, which resulted in man being able to fly. The Christian who studies the Word of God will rise above the world and astonish the unbeliever who will then seek God. However, a person who believes that he is above the law of gravity, and violates that law by jumping out of a plane without a parachute, will fall to his death. This is why so many Christians live lives full of destruction.
Believe and Obey
If you are like many men who want to restore their marriages, you must not only believe that God can restore your marriage, but you must also obey His Word. Are you desperate – desperate to follow God’s Word no matter what it costs? No matter how much it hurts? The question you must ask yourself is “How important is saving my marriage, my family, my future?”
Receive anything. If you don’t obey God with zealous obedience, you should expect nothing from Him because you are double-minded. “For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” Jas. 1:7-8. “I hate those who are double-minded, but I love Thy law.” Ps. 119:113.
Faith by my works. If you say you have the faith to trust God for your marriage, then “act” on it. “What use is it, my brethren, if a man says he has faith, but he has no works? Can that faith save him?… But someone may well say, ‘You have faith, and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works.’ ” Jas. 2:14, 18. There are so many testimonies of those who chose to “believe” instead of obeying. Every one of them is still “believing” for his marriage, but not ONE is restored!
Tear it out, and throw it from you. Again, how important is your desire to have a restored marriage? Are you desperate enough to do “whatever it takes” to save it? If you don’t believe God calls us to that kind of obedience, look at what Jesus said in Matt. 5:29-30. “And if your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to go into hell.”
Through the entire chapter of Matthew 5, Jesus calls us to a higher obedience than what had been written in the Old Testament. Read it to motivate yourself to obey to the point of looking like a fanatic. If what you are doing right now does not seem crazy to others, you need to become more radical in your commitment to your marriage, because that’s what it takes!
We all must be like Peter in our obedience. Each time he was asked to do something, like allowing Jesus to wash his feet, he went overboard! He even went overboard when Jesus asked him to get out of the boat. He was the only one who followed Jesus with such a zealous commitment. Even so, Jesus rebuked Peter for his little faith. Are you lukewarm? “So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.” Rev. 3:16.
Trust and believe that God is able and wants to restore and rebuild you, your marriage, and your family. God does not have any other person out there for you, nor does He think you’ve picked the wrong person. “…if any man be above reproach, the husband of ONE wife, having children who believe, not accused of dissipation or rebellion.” Titus 1:6.
If you are thinking about remarriage, you should know this; that second marriage has less than a 20% chance of survival! You would have an 8 out of 10 chance of going through another painful divorce! Then it’s on to numbers three and four. Stop now at whatever number you are on. There is a better way!
Instead, “Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord.” Ps. 27:14, Ps. 31:24, Isa. 35:4. “O give us help against the adversary, for deliverance by man is in vain. Through God we shall do valiantly, and it is He who will tread down our adversaries.” Ps. 60:11, Ps. 108:12. (Please read chapter 11, “Cleave to His Wife” for more knowledge.)
Don’t run to others about your situation; talk to God; search His Word for your answer. “Seek and you shall find.” Matt. 7:7, Luke 11:9. “He is the Mighty Counselor.” Isa. 9:6. “Do not walk in the counsel of the ungodly.” Ps. 1:1. Don’t tell others about your situation: “May a slanderer not be established in the earth.” Ps. 140:11.
Also, “by your words you will be justified and by your words you will be condemned.” Matt. 12:37. “A tale- bearer separates intimate friends.” Prov. 16:28, Prov. 17:9. (See Chapter 4, “Thrusts of a Sword” for more knowledge on the destruction our tongues can cause. Such knowledge is not optional but essential: “For My people perish for a lack of knowledge.” Hos. 4:6.)
Ask God for a male prayer partner who will believe God with you for your marriage. We encourage you to join our Restoration Fellowship if you have an Internet connection. We will pair you up with an Encouragement Partner who will encourage you, pray for you and help you stay accountable to the principles for restoring your marriage.
Stay away from singles groups!! You do NOT belong there if you have a desire to restore your marriage! Stay away from “support groups” that are usually nothing more than “pity parties.” If you want a restored marriage, don’t attend a divorce recovery group that will encourage you to move on. You have to choose now whether you want hope or closure with your marriage.
Instead of joining a group in your church or community, we strongly suggest that you pray about joining our fellowship where you will be given a partner. For more information, visit our website www.MarriageHelpOnLine.com.
Stop ALL arguing or verbal struggling with your wife! This one principle will be a deciding factor as to whether your marriage will be restored. There are so many Scriptures on this topic, pages and pages we could type out for you. Here are just a few: “Agree with your adversary quickly!” Matt. 5:25, KJV. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” Prov. 15:1. “The beginning of strife is like letting out of water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.” Prov. 17:14. “Even a fool is considered wise when keeping silent.” Prov. 17:28.
“Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man. But any fool will quarrel.” Prov. 20:3. And, “He who separates himself seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom.” Prov. 18:1. Are you an angry man? (See Chapter 3, “The Angry Man” and Chapter 9, “Weapons of Our Warfare” for more knowledge.)
Remove the hate or hurt; then try to look lovingly into your wife’s eyes. “They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.” Ps. 34:5. “And whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.” Matt. 23:12, Luke 14:11, Luke 18:14. Peter asked how many times he should forgive his brother who sinned against him. “Seven times?” he suggested. But Jesus replied, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” That’s 490 times! (Matt. 18:22) Have you decided to not forgive your wife (or the man she is involved with) for what she (or he) has done to you or to your children? The lack of forgiveness is very dangerous to you and the future of your marriage. (For more knowledge read Chapter 6, “Blessed Are the Meek” under the section “Forgiveness.”) If you are having trouble forgiving, get our testimony tape. It is a powerful example of how God will “give you” the forgiveness your wife desperately needs as you yield to Him!
You must begin to see your wife as God sees her. Pray for your wife. You need to first forgive her and any who are involved with her (friends, family, co-workers and even the other man). (Again, see Chapter 6, “Blessed Are the Meek” under the section “Forgiveness” about the dangers of not forgiving.) Then you will be ready to pray for the woman God wants your wife to be. (Take a moment and read the awesome testimony “Wife a New Woman” on our website or in our book God Is Moving! to see what true forgiveness will do to turn your marriage around and bring your wife home.) Stop looking at the bad things she is doing.
Replace that with asking God to show you how YOU have been the one at fault since you are or should be the head of your home, the spiritual leader, and therefore the one totally responsible for where your wife is and what she has done. (Once again take a moment and read the awesome testimony “Wife a New Woman” on our website or in our book God Is Moving! to see how taking the entire blame for your situation will free your wife to come back to you!!)
If your wife has left you, don’t call her! But if you have left your wife or made her leave your home, you must call her and ask for her forgiveness. This point is critical! The longer you wait the greater the possibility of adultery, if it hasn’t occurred already. (Please read the testimonies on our website which provide evidence of how these very principles worked in the lives of the men and women who followed them.)
Once you have repented to your wife, then DO NOT keep repenting and taking the ENTIRE blame for the situation. This can be counterproductive. Also, whether your wife accepts your apology or not is not the issue. You are doing it out of humility and obedience to God, nothing more.
Speak kindly and lovingly to your wife when you have an opportunity to talk with her. “Pleasant words are as honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Prov. 16:24. “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” Prov. 17:22, Prov. 18:14. You don’t have to be joyful about your situation; just be joyful that God has it all under His control. “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” Hebr. 12:11.
Don’t listen to any gossip or anyone who tries to give you bad reports about your wife. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” 1Cor. 13:7. Maybe your wife says she’s not involved with anyone else, yet you KNOW she is. Nevertheless, you must believe her. Don’t question or doubt her word. You’re not being stupid or naive; you are expressing unconditional or agape love.
Sometimes it is your family or closest friends who try to persuade you to pursue divorce or tell your wife off for the things she has done or is doing. You must separate yourself from those who attempt to lead you astray from God by feeding your flesh and emotions. “Leave the presence of a fool or you will not discern words of knowledge.” Prov. 14:7. “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a gossip.” Prov. 20:19. If you slander your wife, others will slander your wife too! “Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy.” Ps. 101:5.
Because you will receive much advice that is contrary to the will and the Word of God, don’t share your situation with anyone! Ultimately it will arouse anger or self-pity in you! These emotions are of the flesh and will war against your spirit. God says in Gal. 5:17, “For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.”
Listening, discussing or seeking counsel for your situation will also bring in confusion since most Christians do NOT really KNOW the Word of God and even pastors may advise you contrary to God’s Word! Unless they have “walked on the same water” they may disregard or minimize God’s principles when you desperately need the entire uncompromised Word of God to save your marriage!
Do NOT try to find out what your wife is up to. If you do suspect there is someone else, or you KNOW that there is someone else she is involved with, then do what God says: “Let your eyes look directly in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established.” Prov. 4:25. “Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught.” Prov. 3:25-26. And again remember, love “BELIEVES all things.” 1Cor. 13:7.
Do NOT confront your wife or the others involved! That is a net that Satan has left. So many men and women fall into this trap time and again. Watch out! You may satisfy your flesh but the consequences will destroy you and any feelings your wife may still have for you. Don’t talk to the OM over the phone or in person.
So often men erroneously think that they should confront their wives because she shouldn’t get away with it or should “know that I know.” ALL who have confronted their wives or husbands, out of ignorance or by ignoring this book or this personal warning, have written to tell us how much they regret it! They ALL have shared that it resulted in MANY horrible consequences! Please don’t be like Adam who went ahead and did what he knew he shouldn’t!
Once the sin is out in the open it will be flaunted in front of your face, and you will lose the advantage that God has given you. You must remember, “Love believes all things.” 1Cor. 13:7.
You must also remember at all times that this is a “spiritual” war. As in all wars, it is foolish and dangerous to let the enemy know what you know. No battle in the Bible was ever won by revealing inside information from the Lord! Nor does the Bible tell us to reveal enemy movements. Instead, it warns us to fight this as a spiritual war! 1Tim. 1:18 says to “fight the good fight.” “We do not war according to the flesh.” 2Cor. 10:3. We are told instead to “Be of sober spirit [which literally means WAKE UP], be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” 1Pet. 5:8.
Your wife, and others, are working with the devil, as slaves, to destroy your marriage, future and children. “Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?” Rom. 6:16. To win this war, YOU must be a slave of righteousness – therefore DO NOT confront her about her sin or what you know!!
Do NOT try to find out where your wife is if she hasn’t given you her whereabouts! This is God’s protection for you! Be quiet; be still. Go into your prayer closet and begin to fight the battle through prayer, on your knees before the Lord. God can change your wife’s heart, but you will harden it if you openly reveal mistrust, suspicion and jealousy. “The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes.” Prov. 21:1. The other man will then appear to be the one she wants, not you! Every wife will run to the defense of the man she is involved with when her husband verbally (or physically) attacks the OM. Take control of your emotions.
A wife will NOT respond to a man who is angry or one who is effeminate and cries. You must be humble, kind, and loving AND have complete control over your emotions. Afterwards, when you are alone, you can deal with your feelings. But in her presence, do not show unfavorable emotions.
Don’t act hastily in ANY decision. At this time you are not thinking clearly and are most certainly acting on emotion rather than wisdom. “And he who makes haste with his feet errs.” Prov. 19:2. “The prudent man considers his steps.” Prov. 14:15. “There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.” Prov. 16:25 and Prov. 14:12. “Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Prov. 29:20.
“The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.” Prov. 16:33. “A wise man is cautious and turns away from evil.” Prov. 14:16. Don’t hurry to make changes like setting up a “visitation schedule.” Don’t be quick to run to get a divorce. God says, “I hate divorce.” Mal. 2:16. Don’t move out or leave your home: “Like a bird that wanders from her nest, so is a man who wanders from his home.” Prov. 27:8.
Have you spoken to your wife about your needs, your concerns or your problems – only to have her reject you? Memorize these Scriptures: “My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory.” Phil. 4:19. “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, yes, wait on the Lord.” Ps. 27:13.
A man should be self-assured if he is to win his wife back to him. This is not pride, for it should be done with humility. If your wife has left then your home was out of order. Make sure you get the men’s manual A Wise Man to learn how the home was designed to be.
“When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.” Prov. 16:7. Instead of trying to convince your wife to return to you, take this opportunity to thank your wife and praise her for how she has cared for you, your children and your home in the past. This is God’s way; it’s called contentment.
Part of your problem may be your wife’s career outside the home. Even though God says to wait, you may have moved ahead and bought things on credit or moved to a larger home and then believed your wife “needed to go to work.” Then your house sat empty while your wife worked, and your children were in day care. Satan is a thief!
Soon you may lose the house that you worked so hard for. Allow God to save your home, your family and your marriage. (Please read Chapter 8, “Manages His Household” in A Wise Man.)
Did you ever encourage or tell your wife to leave? We at Restore Ministries have seen too many who have asked their spouses to leave or who have been first to mention the word “divorce” in a time of anger. When you plant bad seeds, don’t be surprised if she ends up in adultery. Words have more power than you know. “And I say to you, that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment.” Matt. 12:36.
Maybe you wanted her to leave because of alcohol, drugs, arguments or unfaithfulness. Or maybe one of you just felt that you didn’t love the other any more. Please read Chapter 15, “Comfort Those” for more help. Be aware that many men consider women who are out of their homes to be “single” even though they are not! Separation is the first step to divorce. And divorce is a life-changing mistake.
Many Christians, ignorant of the destruction of separation, advise those with marriage troubles to tell their wives who are unfaithful to leave or to not allow them to return home. Older men, as stated in Titus 2, should “speak the things which are fitting for sound doctrine…to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance.” Titus 2:1-2.
The separation that is spoken of in 1Cor. 7:5 is to be done with mutual agreement AND for the purpose of fasting and prayer. This verse confirms this: “if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever [or a believer], and she consents to live with him, let him not send her away.” 1Cor. 7:12.
By making a decision to separate or divorce, you will have chosen to destroy not only your life and your wife’s life, but also your children’s lives and future. Your (future) grandchildren, your parents and all your friends will also feel the devastating effects of this selfish, ignorant and foolish decision.
By suggesting that your wife leaves, you have taken that first step toward divorce. Isn’t it time to turn around before things go any further? The world and Satan have convinced you that this separation or divorce will make things better, but that is a lie! If that were true, 8 out of 10 people wouldn’t get divorced in that second or subsequent marriage. Once again, the Bible is clear: “any brother who has a wife who is an unbeliever [or a believer], and she consents to live with him, let him not send her away.” 1Cor. 7:12.
However, if your wife has left you, you must stop pursuing, pressing her or even standing in her way. She will only try harder to get away from you or run to evil. “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the WAY of sinners.” Ps. 1:1. The only roadblock should be a “hedge of thorns.” Hosea 2:6. You should read the book of Hosea in your Bible. We have written a prayer for you to memorize based on the hedge of thorns. (You will find it in Chapter 15, “I Searched for a Man.”) Pray it daily for your wife.
Many ministries encourage “standers” to continue to pursue the spouse who has left with phone calls, cards, letters and statements about their “marriage covenant.” THIS IS NOT SCRIPTURAL and has caused many to become “standers for life”! The Bible says, “if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.” 1Cor. 7:15. If you won’t let go, friction will continue. “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the way of sinners.” Ps. 1:1, NIV. You must let your wife know that she is free to leave (based on 1Cor. 7:15). This will cause her to stop running, pursuing divorce or jumping into another marriage!
But I am already divorced. It’s never too late even if a divorce has taken place. Many “remarry” their former spouses AFTER they have divorced. “Don’t be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” Rom. 12:21. God specifically asked His prophet Hosea to remarry his wife Gomer even after she was blatantly unfaithful to him. “For she is not my wife, and I am not her husband.” Hosea 2:2. “Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.’ ” Hosea 2:7. “Then the Lord said to me (Hosea), ‘Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress.’ ” Hosea 3:1. God used the story of Hosea and Gomer to show His commitment to His own bride (the church) and His strong stand on marriage.
It also gives an example of how to allure your wife through the kind and loving way you speak to her. But, this is done AFTER she knows she is free to go. “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness, and speak kindly to her.” Hosea 2:14.
Don’t allow your children to see your pain or anger toward your wife. Do ALL that you can to shield your children from what is going on. Otherwise they will develop bad feelings toward their mother.
Don’t blame your wife for what has happened; instead, take the FULL responsibility and tell your children where the real fault lies. Be careful where you turn your children’s hearts. Turning your children’s hearts against your wife by what you say will destroy your children and break your wife’s heart. Hurting the woman you love will never bring her home. Instead, love her by building her up in your children’s eyes and cover her nakedness lest your children be cursed. “And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside… So he said, ‘Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants he shall be to his brothers.’ He also said, ‘Blessed be the LORD, the God of Shem; and let Canaan be his servant.’” Gen. 9:22, 25-26. Bless your children with kind, loving, forgiving and honoring words.
The Lord has allowed these trials in your life, and your children’s lives, for a time, in order to draw you all closer to Him, accomplish His work in all of you and then draw you back together again for His glory! When your wife is not around to blame, you can then look at yourself and look to Him to change you! When you seek Him, you will become closer to Him; then He will change you more into His image! “They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.” Ps. 34:5.
Don’t allow your children to speak badly about their mother. You must demand respect for their mother (whether they are 5, 15 or 25!). “Honor your father and your mother.” Exod. 20:12, Deut. 5:16, Mark 7:10. If you have spoken badly about their mother, first ask God for forgiveness, next humbly ask your wife’s forgiveness and lastly ask your children’s forgiveness. “He who conceals his transgression will not prosper.” Prov. 28:13. Then begin to build her up in the children’s (and your) eyes. (See Chapter 4, “Thrusts of a Sword” for more knowledge.)
Remember, you will have trouble with your children honoring you if you dishonor your wife! 1Pet. 3:7 tells us, “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Don’t allow your children to become unruly. “A foolish son is a grief to his father, and bitterness to her who bore him.” Prov. 17:25. “A child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.” Prov. 29:15. Don’t cause yourself grief or cause your wife to become bitter or shame her. Instead of allowing your children to vent their anger, use this time to teach them to forgive and pray for their mother.
When the anger is gone, the pain will be felt; then teach them to rely on God for comfort. This Scripture helped my (then) 5-year-old when he memorized it: “For He has said ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ ” Hebr. 13:5. Your children are confused right now, so give them clear directions. (See Lesson 14, “Your Father’s Instructions” in A Wise Man for more knowledge.) Again, you will have trouble enforcing this if you exhibit a lack of control of your anger.
Be careful not to choose the “easiest” road. It may seem like the easiest road, but in the end it is the road to even more sadness, trials, difficulties and heartache than you are now experiencing. We, who have gone through difficult marriages, separation and/or divorce, want to warn you against any ideas, books or other people who will sway you to go the way of the world, which ALWAYS ends in disaster! If the world endorses it, as Christians we know it is the wide road to destruction.
Narrow is the way that leads to life, and few are those who find it! “Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide, and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter by it. For the gate is small, and the way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who find it.” Matt. 7:13-14. You must look for that narrow way in all your decisions, in the way you speak to others, and in the way you handle the trials that WILL come your way now and in the future.
Please be careful what you read. The books whose foundation is in philosophy or those written by psychologists or marriage counselors can fill your mind with destructive thoughts. Be careful about reading books that cover such topics as “tough love,” “spicing up your marriage,” and “co-dependency.” We have seen the damage that these ideas have done to marriages and the men and women who have looked to them in their desperation. Instead, renew your mind with God’s Word. If you meditate on His Word, God promises in Psalm 1 that you will prosper in everything that you do!!
Look to God and to those of “like mind” to encourage you to believe God for your marriage. Please go to the Counselor (God’s Word), which is free, and save your money and your marriage. God wants you to Himself! Stay away from the “professionals.” Every professional has his/her ways and beliefs. There are thousands of both Christian and secular marriage counselors and books about marriage solutions. If they knew all the answers, why is there an epidemic of divorce, especially in the church?!!
Where do you begin? What should you do? Begin to move your demolished house onto the rock. “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine, and acts upon them, may be compared to a wise man, who built his house upon the rock. And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and burst against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded upon the rock.” Matt. 7:25. “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.” Prov. 24:3.
Praise God in ALL things. “Let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name.” Hebr. 13:15. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” Phil. 4:4.
Learn to really pray. “And I searched for a man among them who should build up the wall and stand in the gap before Me for the land, that I should not destroy it; but I found no one.” Ezek. 22:30. Standing in the gap does NOT mean standing in your wife’s way! It means praying for her as you would pray for yourself.
Take every thought captive. “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” 2Cor. 10:5.
Begin to renew your mind to be like Christ’s and to look down at your situation as God does, from above. Get A Wise Man Builds and work through it with a friend. Get a “Bible Promise Book” from your local Christian bookstore (very inexpensive) and put it next to your bed. The verses will become a place of refuge for you as you pore over His promises when you become anxious.
Get 3x5 cards and write down Bible verses that you can use to renew your mind, to fight in the Spirit (the sword of the Spirit is the Word of God), or to run to when you experience an attack of fear, doubt or lies. Keep these with you and read them over and over again. Stop thinking and talking so much about your problems; listen to God and read His Word.
As we said, Psalm 1 gives you a promise: “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. And he will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.” Practically speaking, if you read and reread this book to the point of wearing it out or take the time to make 3x5 cards with the Scriptures you need, you can’t help but meditate on His Word. Almost every man I have known who has a restored marriage did one or both of these things.
NO marriage is too far gone! “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matt. 19:26. Again remember that it is not true that you and your wife, together, must seek help to change the marriage. We have seen the good “fruits” of the men who have asked God to change their wives’ hearts, to work on them, and God was faithful. (See “fruits,” Matt. 7:16, 20.)
“And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Matt. 7:3, Luke 6:41. We pray the same for you: that you will see clearly how to really help your wife by being a godly man who is meek, yet bold in the spirit, who allures his wife with kind and loving words.
How long? Many men have asked us “how long” their wife will be gone or “how long” their trial will continue. It may help you if you think about it as a journey. How long it takes often depends on you. As the Lord shows you an area that He is working on, work “with Him.” Do not become sidetracked by work or everyday life. Satan will bring in “the cares of the world” in order to choke the Word out of you. He also will bring situations, emergencies and other crises that will divert your attention away from your destination –- your restored family!
Too often our journey seems to have “stalled.” Just take the next step of obedience. When you become weary with the “wait,” do not lose heart. This is the time our Lord is using to stretch our faith and focus our attention on His working in our lives. All that is required is our obedience, which will release spiritual power to work on our behalf. It is not necessary that God give us a detailed explanation of what He is doing. We know that He will work out His purposes through whatever happens even when we have made a mistake. We must believe that He is working with people and situations and arranging circumstances for His good for us.
There Is MORE Help!
Another book that you will find helpful in your desire to restore your marriage is our men’s manual A Wise Man. This book is available on our website to read or print off for FREE, or if you prefer, it can be ordered in book form on our website: www.RestoreMinistries.net.
Though we no longer minister to men, with the exception of our two books for men, let us still pray for you now...
“Dear Lord, please guide this special brother during the trouble in his marriage. And his ears shall hear a word behind him saying, this is the way, walk here, when he turns to his right and when he turns to his left. (Isa. 30:21)
“Please reassure him when he sees a thousand fall on his right side and ten thousand at his left; help him to know that if he follows You, it will not happen to him. (Ps. 91:7) Hide him under your protective wings.
“Help him to find the narrow path that will lead him to life, the abundant life you have for him, for his wife and for his family. Lord, I pray for a testimony when this troubled or broken marriage is healed and restored that You can use for Your glory! We will give You all the honor and the glory. Amen.”
Personal commitment: to find and follow the Narrow Road. “Based on what I have learned from God’s Word, I commit to following the Lord and His Word along my Restoration Journey. I commit to reading His Word, found in this chapter, that He will use to help me move from crisis to calm in me and everyone around me.”
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