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Gentlemen, the last 2 weeks of Living Lessons were written and geared more for women. This week He spoke to me about sharing this truth from the women’s, your wife’s, perspective since so many women have dealt with or are dealing with these assaults adversely affecting their emotions—often leading to the difficulties you have unknowingly been battling against, rather than dealing with in an understanding way in order for your wife to heal.
Let’s begin with this truth in order to lay a strong foundation... “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:7
Even though you don’t need to understand anything specific that’s happened, the way you live with her, with love (which is patient and kind) is what’s important—as well as the words you speak to her—His Words that will wash her clean from all her pain and shame.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word." Ephesians 5:25-26
"He gave Himself up completely to make her His own, washing her clean of all her impurity with water and the powerful presence of His Word." Ephesians 5:25-26 Voice
"His Words evoke her beauty. Everything He does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness." Ephesians 5:25-26 MSG
"The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:9
Now let’s begin…
Last week we discussed when we are the unknowing victims and there is no way for us to “have known better.”
This week I want to talk about an even more troubling situation when women, your wife, may have put herself in harm's way. Therefore, it’s not as easy for her to be set free as those who couldn’t have known, and this is exactly where the enemy will torment her and where you need to show the most understanding as a Gentleman like the Lord.
“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am Gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:29-30
What hope is there for women, for your wife, who may not be completely innocent? Such as all the women who may have been drinking or who have put themselves in harm's way or when they chose to be alone with a man, possibly sensing there was danger? In other words, maybe they’ve convinced themselves that they should have known.
Is there hope for a woman, for your wife, who is partially or even fully to blame?
ABSOLUTELY!
If you fail to forgive her, then your very salvation is null and void!! Remember, the key verse that is the foundation of our faith is “While we were yet sinners!” (Romans 5:8) Jesus didn’t die because we were good or even partially good, none of us were innocent of sin. Not one of us. It’s when we were sinners, that’s when He loved us, forgave us and chose to die for us!
This means that even if your wife played any part in what happened to her, He was and is standing there with His arms open wide ready to speak kindly and lovingly to her!! What about you?!?!?! His love goes beyond what you or I or your wife could ever imagine! Ask yourself as a Christian husband “a follower of Christ” if you’re following His example:
“Speak kindly . . . And call out to her, that her warfare has ended, that her iniquity has been removed, that she has received of the LORD'S hand DOUBLE for all her sins.” Isaiah 40:2 This also includes your wife’s unfaithfulness in your marriage.
So, Gentlemen, this means your wife has not only been battling a war against shame and guilt, but possibly against you, who should be her ally, her “knight in shining armor.” Your wife may have been living with and battling regrets and revisions to what happened to her— playing over and over again in her head. The enemy has been doing his best to convince her, “You should have known!!” Gentlemen, don’t you think it’s time to stop battling your wife or your own emotions and give the battle (every battle) to Him to fight and win?!? Then you can focus your energy on loving your wife, showing her how she and the both of you can begin reaping the DOUBLE blessings He died to give you and your wife!
“Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today..." Exodus 14:13
We encourage women who feel the need to confess something they should not have gotten involved in, to ask the Lord how He’d like them to take care of it. By the way, the same goes for you men. The most important thing is not to wait. Just stop now and ask Him. This is important to just get it done with so the next time your wife feels accused or tormented she can remind herself (and you can remind her as well) that she is forgiven, and not only forgiven, He longs to bless her with double!!
From that moment on, each and every time the accuser tries to torment her (and please promise your Father, God, that you will never act as an accuser to her or anyone again, which are traits of the devil himself). Just imagine how she will be able to smile and look to Him (and you) with gratitude in her heart because the truth is that the enemy can no longer steal her peace. Once and for all “It is finished.” She will be...
“Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.” NLT “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25
Clearing up your wife’s past is something neither she or you have to make a project of— like the counselors or therapists foolishly attempt to do. Instead, it’s important your wife just deals with them one-by-one as they come up in her head and mind. He will lead her.
“The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemy. Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23: 1-6 KJV
Can you imagine how glorious it would be to live like this with your wife?!?!
One thing is to make sure you’re clear on, and a truth that will set your wife free, is that though she may (and probably will) remember something, she’ll find that when she gives it to the Lord—it completely begins to remove all the pain, shame and every other negative emotion—very soon there should be NO negative emotion attached. In other words, YES, she’ll remember but it remains in her head, without it affecting her heart or her emotions. In other words, there are no emotions attached to that thought. Once gone, her heart is free to love you, to love children, to love family—each and every way He designed her to be. Whole, healed, happy!! “...with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.” Proverbs 31:25
This is very important to remember because the enemy is clever and crafty, entirely full of the same schemes and his whole purpose is to lie just enough to torment her even more: when she does remember, the enemy will say that because she still remembers, it means she hasn't been forgiven. And that’s a lie that will repeat the cycle. God help you if you’re the one who spews lies from the enemy. Learn now to say nothing that’s not kind and loving, and should you need to say anything negative—speak those words to your Father in Heaven only—no one else!
The reason we tell our women that HE still allows them to remember is for one reason only—is to help minister to other women! With the pain, shame and every other negative feeling gone, leaving behind only the double blessings, that begins with her "sowing" these truths into the lives of others. The same can be said for you as well. You need to use what you’ve overcome to help minister to other men, husbands who are foolishly destroying their wives out of ignorance.
You may not think that your wife has gone through anything like this, but the majority of women who come here for help with their marriages (marriages that have collapsed) confess in their Marriage Questionnaire “I've never spoken to anyone about it.”
The best way to know if your wife may be suffering in this way is not to ask HER but to ask HIM. Ask the Lord, who by this time should be your Best Friend, if this is why she has walls up, why she acts or reacts the way she does. Then sit and listen to what He tells you in your heart. If you sense the answer is Yes, then begin to treat her as a Gentleman would do. As a mere human it’s impossible to love your wife in the way she needs and deserves to be loved. However, if you empty yourself and ask Him to love her through you—you will be surprised and astonished by what He does!